woke up today

and I saw God.

I woke up today feeling particularly sure that I must push something out of my brain, lay it over this digital page, and post it out to the world. It has been weeks since my last post and while I have been writing, quietly, the reason for my silence here is that my life has been thematically slower recently. What I mean by that is that every day, every week, has its themes that I have learnt to pick out and weave together into a coherent, chronological flow of mental states and intellectualisations but recently, very few of these have interested me enough to write about…

But nothing that is thought of is short of extraordinary, I must remind myself.

I woke up today with this awareness that a sense of religiosity has been permeating the music I consume daily. Over the past two weeks, I have been obsessed with Rosalia’s “Lux”, an album that speaks of Truth, love-sex and Godly alike. I have been obsessed with its imagery of a Blessed end to a chapter, of tears falling down a cheek as magnolias fall down from the skies. Pink, white, Gold and blue*. I have been thinking of psychoanalysis and breaking down our cosmic doors. Of knowing that there are many windows to the soul, and opening up one is not enough. It brings us no closer to knowing one’s true Self. Truly understanding a person maybe means that thousands of windows are not enough and yet, this divine convergence of the mind, body and brain, comes down to a single point. A point that lies Within.

Is that point the throne of God? The shrouded seat of a complete Ego death that brings with it an understanding that the universe, and us, are one and the same. Rosalia, the stone face of Buddha, my morning yoga, studying children’s psyches- there is an invisible string that has been weaving these variables together in my head, quietly, these past few weeks. To be noted: Muddling my understanding is the binary philosophy I read somewhere, stating that the true Gods of the universe are 1 and 0. Yes and No. Darkness and Light. Entropy and Calm. The universe is coded in binary. But is it really that simple? Was humanity evolved to ever be that simple?

The Ultimate equation still lies beyond my reach.

a quote from the prologue of my psychoanalysis textbook

I woke up today with another thought, a similar thought, that rock concerts are probably the closest I have felt to true religion. I spent the evening at one last night, and the sight of my own hands naturally folded as if in prayer made me think that these horns I could see in the crowd were nothing short of mudras, gestures of connection between the body and soul. As the songs went on, I noticed myself clutching my necklace, a black cross I picked up in the name of Ozzy Osbourne, as if it was a talisman blessed by the Rockstar himself. Is it different from any other talisman bought in the name of faith?

Maybe not. I once wrote that listening to a guitarist striking three chords and a basic minor pentatonic scale is probably the closest I come to feeling the hands of God.

pictured: “People have the Power” with Tom Morello; horns up high for the revolution.

I woke up today craving one of my favourite artists, Sleeping at Last, and his song “Atlantic”. I miss the sea, the froth of it, and the blue-gold reflection of the skies. I miss being able to touch something that feels bigger than this world, feels older than the very beginnings of Us. His music is the closest I can get to feeling the ocean, right here in my bedroom.

I woke up today with no real thought in my head actually, but for the feeling that something Bigger, something Cosmic, is just slightly out of reach. Some days I can almost touch the very first rays of the Sun.

to date, my favourite moment at a beach, 2021

* [listen to: “magnolias” from “Lux”].

and for the poetry that inspired this post, the most divine of verses from “la yugular”, 2:44 - 4:18 (with translation).